Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Horrors of Internet Dating, Volume 5

My real-life romantic life remains only sporadically eventful. But on the internet—on the internet— just look at all these lovely people who are waiting for me to contact them and rock their worlds.

(click for embiggening, as usual)

She is such a master poet that she can be playful with the English language.

So many poets looking for love! How romantic.

Always good to know what you want. But um, f*c*k*? Fucuku?

"Speaking" of knowing what you want. This was someone's main headline; the thing everyone sees even before clicking on them. And they chose to put "nice voice" as a requirement? That's fine and everything—everyone's got things they look for—but I've never heard that one before.


1. TMI.
2. "I don't steal" isn't really something to brag about. Do you want a cookie for every person you don't murder?
4. I see this outrage about posting kids' pictures a lot. Do the same people complain about bringing kids out in public? Because I'm pretty sure pedophiles would have better luck stalking real people rather than trying to identify kids from their mom's anonymous internet dating profile.

But enough mocking people's grammar and spelling. Not everyone can be all book-learned. Instead, they gotta express themselves through pictures.

What the fuck is this shit?

You're floating over a pit of lava while your creepy-ass moon-clone stares at me? Is this supposed to subconsciously tap into "steamy" twin threesome fantasies? Sorry lady, but the heavenly bodies I do aren't made of rock. ZING.

Nothing particularly wrong with these. The tattoos are only a little bit terrible. The weird part is that I seem to attract people with creepy wing tattoos on their backs. Three or four others messaged me or viewed my profile before I noticed the pattern and started taking pictures.

Here is an (apparently) counterintuitive little tip for dating profiles: you shouldn't post pictures of yourself being fondled by other men. It's not a jealousy thing; it's a throw-up-in-my-mouth thing.

But hey, I always end these things on a positive note, so here is someone I would wine-dine-sixty-nine:

Not sure if it's the veiny arms or the blackface, but something's got the politically incorrect cockles of my heart all hot like lava.


P.S. The next installment of this series is going to be a doozy. It's a case study in WTF. Stay tuned.

See also: Volume 4More Horrors of Internet Dating


Unknown said...

Oh lord I could write a book on this subject! I've just joined a site again (OkCupid) a couple of mths after I vowed I wouldn't. I don't get it though, I don't seem to get any attention and the attention I DO get is from wierdos who are either in India or twice my age. Frustrating. I think maybe it's not so bad for guys?

Phronk said...

I think men and women have different but equally bothersome problems with dating sites. Since guys are sort of expected to make first contact, there's more risk of rejection. And I think there are just more guys on there, so more need to stand out.

I just don't take it seriously and have fun with it, not expecting to actually meet anyone there, and that makes it less frustrating.

Darius Whiteplume said...

I think Fucuku is a Lovecraft monster?

I am glad I am married. I am way too grammar sensitive for the modern dating scene.

rachaelgking said...

"2. "I don't steal" isn't really something to brag about. Do you want a cookie for every person you don't murder?"

I love you.

Anonymous said...

I was about to travel to Canada to kick you in the ass for ignoring "FRENZ," but then you didn't. So you're safe for another day.

I've given up on dating entirely. I can't even find the funny in online dating profiles any more. It just makes me sad for humanity. And even more sad to know that most men prefer morons to women like me. Scary.

Anonymous said...

Also, I think that third asterisk was for an "s," but I can't be sure why that needed to be bleeped.

The second one would be more of a mystery if anything else were spelled properly.

Jennifer said...

I am so attracted to you I have three pairs of wings on my back. Hot damn. Call me.

Jason said...

Plenty Of Fish matched me up with a 50 yr old trannie (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Phronk said...

Darius: Oh yeah, I remember reading about that in the Fukronomicon.

LiLu: I love you too. Oh noes, found true love, no more posts like this.

Shine: Damn, next time I'll leave obvious omissions so you travel to Canada.

Jen: Woowee, six wings? That's more than I get in my noodle platter at Manchu Wok. GET IN MY BELLY.

Phronk said...

Jason: Fifty? Gross.

Forest City Fashionista said...

I can't wait for installment Six, you are better than TV (maybe not HBO, but..). If I ever feel tempted to try online dating again, I just have to re-read this. Shine is right, nobody wants to date smart, sassy women who know how to spell.

Candice said...

PLEASE strike up a conversation with some of these people to at least share some insights into their world. Because really. REALLY?

Hey Lady! said...

These posts and your ones about the people at the gym are my favorite. The commentary is better then "Mystery Science Theater 3000". Part of me hopes you don't find someone so you'll continue to post these.

I think the chick with the "moon portrait" might be trying to pick up LARPers or D&D fans... Or maybe it's the volcano on the journey to Mordor to destroy the "ring"?

Phronk said...

Forest City Fashionista: I do! Honestly, I've sent messages to people due purely to their smart sassiness (expressed in real English).

Candice: Hehe, I am very tempted to learn more about them. I think contacting someone just so I can blog about them is a bit wrong though.

Hey Lady! Thanks! Hopefully even if I find someone, they'll appreciate the need to troll for blog fodder.

SharkBoy said...

Please, someone give Moon Clone girl a chance??? Hasn't she suffered enough?

Tatiana said...

That girl has obviously never heard of the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt... sads.

Blondie said...

I want a cookie every time I don't covet my neighhour's wife.


Blondie said...

Oh, and HAHAHAHAHAHA "Part of me hopes you don't find someone so you'll continue to post these."

If I ever had a woman crush on a commenter, it's definitely "Hey Lady."

Jen said...

If you're interested to find someone compatible through online dating you should check weopia. It works with any dating site. I'm as skeptical as they come, but a friend that told me about insisted. It actually helps...

Phronk said...

SB & Tatiana: Haha, I think I will give her a chance. I'll wear the three wolf shirt on our first date. If she is genuinely impressed with it, she's cut. If she is impressed in an ironic sort of way, she's in.

Blondie: They are hard! But there are 10 of them, and that means 10 chances for cookies. I may be coveting my neighbour's woman and idolizing myself right now, but I'm not stealing anything, so I still deserve a cookie.

Jen: Hey awesome I love spam. But I think I'll leave that one there, due to the sheer hilariousness of the product you're spamming (eg, hahahahaa)

Hey Lady! said...

Awwww! I'm sad I didn't to use Weopia when I was dating! I want to fly off into the virtual sunset in a jetpack powered flying bumpercar with some reject from the Sims! Plus, then I'd never have to actually leave my house, I can just sit in my recliner like Dax Sheperd in "Idicracy". Sounds magical.

I've rethought my "no dating because I like these posts" comment. There's always AWESOME!

And thanks Blondie, I heart you too.

Yvonne said...

I like how one of the asian tattoos is "to kill" written in horrible calligraphy (like what I wrote when I was 6 years old).

Ahhh... chinese tattoos on white people, that's a whole rant in itself.

Oh, and I decided, I'm not internet dating, ever, and instead, I'm just going to continue doing things alone. I seem to meet cooler people while doing stuff anyways (like the cute male model who was recruited to be in a photoshoot I helped out at).

Lauren said...

Your horrors of internet dating posts rock my world, no joke. Straight perfect!