Sunday, November 03, 2013

The Complete List of Songs About Masturbation

Sometimes, when blogging inspiration just isn't whacking you in the face, it helps to engage in little intellectual games that you play with yourself. Like coming up with lists. Like coming up with lists of songs about masturbation.

Here is a list of songs that are all about wanking. There are other lists (see also) out there, but many are only top tens, or have a hundred songs with artists you've never heard of shoving in a single line about jerkin' the gherkin' or butterin' the muffin. I want this to be a complete list of songs dedicated to chocking the chicken or slamming the clam.

Notable pattern: if you know someone with the name Billy, he's probably dancing with himself right now. Billies make one-eye cry more than any other name.

Also, shout out to Pink, who has two entries, nailing both male and female masturbation.

[Note: This was originally posted in 2011 but has been refreshed a few times]

  • Alice Cooper - Muscle of Love
  • Barenaked Ladies - It's Only Me (The Wizard of Magicland)
  • The Beautiful South - Tonight I Fancy Myself
  • Big Sky Singers - The Ballad of Sidney Kleenex16
  • Billy Bragg - St. Swithin's Day
  • Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
  • Billy Joel - Captain Jack
  • Billy Squier - The Stroke
  • Britney Spears - The Touch of My Hand
  • Bruce Springsteen - Ramrod
  • Buffalo Tom - Sodajerk
  • The Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict
  • Caesars - Jerk it Out (Q)
  • Carly Rae Jepsen - Party for One
  • Charli XCX - Body of My Own
  • Chuck Berry - My Ding-a-Ling
  • Clarence Carter - Strokin'
  • Corn Nuts Radio Jingle (link) 4
  • Crispin Glover - Auto-Manipulator
  • The Cure - Close to Me
  • Cyndi Lauper - She Bop
  • The Dandy Warhols - Get Off
  • The Decemberists - Billy Liar
  • Devo - Praying Hands
  • Dinosaur Jr. - Severed Lips
  • The Divinyls - I Touch Myself
  • The Dresden Dolls - Coin Operated Boy
  • The Dresden Dolls - First Orgasm 7
  • Electric Six - Vibrator
  • The (English) Beat - Mirror in the Bathroom (Q) 1
  • Elton John - Rocket Man (Q)
  • Elvis Costello - Pump it Up
  • Faith No More - Epic (Q)
  • Faith No More - Jizzlobber
  • FKA Twigs - Kicks
  • The Flaming Lips - She Don't Use Jelly
  • Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Relax (Q)
  • Gary Numan - Every Day I Die
  • Great Lake Swimmers - Pulling on a Line (Q)
  • Green Day - All By Myself13
  • Green Day - Longview
  • Hailee Steinfeld - Love Myself14
  • Halestorm - I Get Off 2
  • Jackson Browne - Rosie
  • Janet Jackson - If
  • John Prine - Donald and Lydia10
  • Kate Bush - Sat in Your Lap (Q)
  • Kate Bush - The Warm Room (Q)
  • Lady Gaga - Sexxx Dreams
  • Lizzo - Soulmate
  • The Mamas and the Papas - Dedicated to the One I Love15
  • Meat Loaf - All Revved Up With No Place to Go
  • Michael Jackson - Beat It (Q)
  • Mitski - Lonesome Love
  • Mr. Bungle - The Girls of Porn
  • Nerf Herder - Doin' Laundry
  • No Doubt - Paulina 12
  • Peter Gabriel - Shock the Monkey (Q)
  • Pink - Fingers
  • Pink - U + Ur Hand6
  • The Pixies - Holiday Song (Q)
  • The Police - Be My Girl (Sally)
  • Porno For Pyros - Porno For Pyros
  • Prince - Darling Nikki
  • The Pussycat Dolls - I Don't Need a Man
  • Radiohead - Thinking About You
  • Robyn Hitchcock - The Man With the Lightbulb Head
  • Say Anything - Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too 9
  • Steel Panther - Tomorrow Night8
  • Stone Temple Pilots - Unglued (Q)
  • Thomas Dolby - Keys to Her Ferrari
  • Three Doors Down - Here Without You (Q)
  • Thunderheist - Jerk It 3
  • Toni Braxton - You're Making Me High 10
  • Tori Amos - Icicle
  • Tweet - Oops (Oh My) 5
  • The Undertones - Teenage Kicks (Q)
  • Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
  • The Vapors - Turning Japanese
  • Ween - Mr. Richard Smoker
  • The Who - Pictures of Lily
  • XTC - Pink Thing

Q = Questionable. Could be about something other than bashing the bishop or brushing the beaver. Probably drugs.

Can you think of another one? Slap it in the comments.

1 Thanks @thatcomputerguy
2 Thanks Evil Faerie Girl
3 Thanks Kclarke5
4 Thanks @hendersonsk
5 Thanks Rachel Fee
6 Thanks Hey Lady!
7 Thanks Rachel Berdan!
8 Thanks John Young!
9 Thanks baby sis!
10 Thanks @PrairieTweeter!
11 Thanks @SteveStax!
12 Thanks @EdJackman!
13 Thanks Derek!
14 Thanks @Hillaryously!
15 Thanks @Yelrihsnhoj!
15 Thanks @George_Goodall, who pointed out that this song and album have a little-known connection to Hunter S. Thompson.

flog the blog

Originally posted Jan 11, 2011. Updated November 2013, June 2019.


your baby sis said...

Say Anything- Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too...a real gem of a song about the m-bates.

morrissey house said...

the canadian comedy duo...played the spoke when i managed there- merry christmas handjob.

morrissey redux said...

maclean and maclean- sorry, forgot to add that in there!

Kclarke5 said...

Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta
Thunderheist - Jerk It

Rick "The Hat" Bman said...

I used to sing Green Day's Longview at karaoke. Every once in awhile someone would come up to me after I sang it and get really quiet and say "you do know that song is about masturbation, right?"

Anonymous said...

Doesn't get any more blatant than the Divinyls and I Touch Myself

Phronk said...

Sis & Morrissey House: Thanks! I'll take a look at those.

Katrina: Flagpole Sitta is questionable, but I'll consider it. :) And check out Thunderheist.

Rick: Hahah. That one is pretty explicit. It would be hard to sing the lyrics "when masturbation's lost its fun you're fucking lazy" without, you know, seeing the masturbation part.

Anon: That was in there but somehow out of alphabetical order. Thanks!

Jay Ferris said...

Michael Bolton - Time, Love, and Tenderness

Phronk said...

Bwahah, the lyrics totally fit.

Rachel Fee said...

Tweet - Oops (Oh My). It's always been one of those timeless classics. Special appearance by Missy Elliot.

Kesha Tickets said...

you're pretty hot with guyliner

Anonymous said...

R.E.M. - The One I Love

Hey Lady! said...

"Pink" has a song about masturbation ("U and Ur Hand"). Though it's blatantly about masturbation, no creative thinking required, like some on your list.

Also, you ruined several song I used to be able to listen to with my mother in the car, now not so much. Thanks douche.

Alyson said...

Wow, I haven't visited your blog in ages and THIS is the post I come back to? Definitely returning more often, this is clearly high-quality content.

Phronk said...

Clearly. This is quality content you won't find anywhere else. It's amazing I don't even charge money for all this.

Amelia Mae said...

I'm still waiting for the post listing songs to masturbate to......

Nick said...

The Beautiful South: Tonight I Fancy Myself.

Anonymous said...

The Undertones - Teenage Kicks, Kate Bush - The Warm Room, Kate Bush - Under The Ivy.

Anonymous said...

Has no one else heard a song where the dude says "When i am all alone/I reach out for my bone". I believe its called Romantic Song (Little Too Rough) but i cant find it anywhere. Please help!

Anonymous said...

Vapors - turning japanese