Sunday, September 02, 2012

Fear the Zipper

Wow, it's September already. A year ago, I entered a contest to blog about London's big September event, the Western Fair, and was chosen as one of the official "Real Serious Bloggers." As with all things in life, I took it as an opportunity to see what I could get away with. Here is the first post that was on the Western Fair blog last year, reposted for your pleasure. Stay tuned for the deleted scene that I couldn't get away with.

Fear the Zipper

The Zipper is the best ride at the Western Fair. Know why? Because the Zipper doesn’t mess around.

Most rides are like, hey kid, you wanna get freaked out? I’m gonna spin you in a circle for a while. Maybe lift you off the ground a bit. The Zipper though, the Zipper is like, hey kid, wanna feel like you’re gonna die? I’m gonna spin you in a giant circle high in the air, but sometimes you’ll be upside-down, sometimes you’ll be right-side-up, and sometimes you won’t even know where you are because your head just got banged around pretty good.

Just looking up at the Zipper from the ground is intimidating. The angry steel monstrosity dips up and down, changing speeds randomly like it’s alive, sometimes swooping past the ground just on the other side of a rickety fence that wasn’t there yesterday. If you were standing there, your head would be taking a vacation from your body.

the Zipper 

The Zipper doesn’t mess around. The Zipper locks you in a rusty cage then shakes it around, holding you in only by a door latched shut by the same carnie who takes childlike delight in flipping your cage upside-down before the ride starts.

Even if you survive the Zipper, it’s gonna haunt you. Your vestibular system and stomach don’t appreciate being all rearranged, so good luck finishing that elephant ear. If you ride it enough, when you close your eyes to go to sleep, all you’re gonna see is spinning fairground, and the sound of screams and warbling heavy metal will be stuck in your eardrums.

For me, that’s the best way to get a thrill out of a ride. To know that it’s a bit dangerous. Not that dangerous--I’m sure there’s a better chance of getting hurt crossing the street to the fair than of being one of the Zipper’s victims--but when you’re being flung about in a creaking cage, such rationality doesn’t cross your mind. The Zipper doesn’t mess around with the illusion of safety, and that’s why it’s the most seriously serious fun at the fair.

In my original version of the post, this sentence was in the paragraph after the picture:

The Zipper has killed several people and injured countless others.

I guess the people at Western Fair didn't like that so much, so I had to remove it.

1 comment:

Mark said...

The only thing preventing a horrible death is the tiny cotter pin they slip in the door to keep it shut. That's assuming the carnie remembers to put it in.